Fear

Isnt it a very familiar feeling?  Fear.

Fear predominated most of my actions, whether it be choosing a career or whether it be eating something. This feeling of always wanting to know, know how can I control the outcome of that action.

It was always control driven, the innate need to control the situational outcome.  I must admit this is due to some significant past issues, because I have always feared deep down about not having control.  Ocd maybe?  Haha.

When I choose arts for graduation, I did not know where I would end up, would I do masters, would I work, become a professor or a content writer etc. But I always knew and held on to my belief that maybe someday it would make sense, the seemingly random choice that I made. Was it random ? Maybe ; maybe not.

I got in touch with some good people, an excellent campus and the pride that associated with ex-fergussonians. I must admit I never ever took part in any fests or college activities.

Post that, the future looked a bit shady. Two more years of studying or trying something new.  Even then when I was in this dilemma, my grandfather let it slip that MA English wasn’t worth the effort.

Fear crept in.  Slowly and stealthily. I began to have looming doubts over the apparently boring image I had of college professorship ; I shoved it under the rug.  Now,  what next ? Someone I knew was into travel and tourism.  The word travel ; a few enticing landscape images, few day dreaming sessions were enough to get me down to Thomas Cooks office and sign up for IATA.  Yes,  BA English to travelling.  Sounds,  messed up?

After six months of training and exams,  I ended up at a corporate travel office far from my place.  But they were offering good pay for a fresher, and I was more excited about the idea of finally earning and spending money on my own.

Actually this happened partly because of a push from my father, he blatantly professed that he would not give me money as he had a house to look after and also two other siblings ; other costs excluded. So there I was. The fear was there too, of being not able to go out and spend money, of not being able to have a social life; that’s what it has come down to these days. It was the fear of loosing my independence that made me take up the job.

Fear makes you do funny things at times, like cramming up activities in an already packed schedule;  doing things which looked impossible a few years before like sitting at the front office and dealing with people; selling them your travel dreams ( I have been guilty of selling a resort or an itinerary which I badly wanted to go,  more than once 😛 )

Mostly the things I did I realised were due to fear of missing out.  Dont we all do it?  Hang out with people we don’t like or who don’t think much of us; because we dont want to exclude ourselves out of all the fun. Or partaking activities which have no productive end but simply doing so.  You dont realise its fear that’s driving you, it’s not friendship.

Fear makes a mickey out of you if you let it,  it also drives you behind inane ideas you cook up for yourself.  Fear of security holds you from taking that step towards something far more important, fear of loosing your identity,  freedom, holds you back from accepting newer and important responsibilities.

Realisation is very important – It was fear which is holding me back from changing my career;  the fear of uncertainly, of the unknown. As a person who always delved into facts; who had been used to calculating the risks ( after a major debacle) who knew how much certainly and uncertainty was involved; the process of diving into uncharted waters is daunting, fearful and cloudy. Fear of being dependent on someone else is scary. As a self-respecting woman/girl, the thought of choosing uncertainty is scary.  Scarier is exercising your right to freedom.  Freedom does not necessarily mean dodging responsibilities ; moreover it implies having your own opinions about what should be done. That is what it means to me anyways.  Fear is having a deep undercurrent of loosing that power inside you, your inner voice which guides you through.

It becomes simpler when you realise the main culprit behind your actions, your words. To accept it is to accept yourself with the shortcomings; to know what needs to be done irrespective is a step ahead of acceptance. Only when you accept the catalyst ; you know what the outcome is going to be. Messy emotions,  breakdowns and a general tendency to doubt everything.

But by slowly putting faith in your decisions and around the people you love you can hope things work out for the best.  It’s a long road ahead,  lot of work will need to be done, but I am not going to let the fear stop me from faith 🙂

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