All my life, I’ve been subjected into believing that I have to please people wherever I go.
This self-made fact got more aggravated when I discovered I am a very passive aggressive kind-of girl.
Because it becomes a 100% more difficult to confront someone when I find their behavior unacceptable or they are demanding something from me which I am unable to do.
Then either I have a choice of complying against my will and grudgingly accept the discomfort it causes me, or else I have to muster up the inevitable-confrontations.

The thing is, confrontations take a mental and physical toll on me. It becomes hard to argue with someone when you’re emotionally invested in them.
Because it is a scary thought to imagine me hurting someone with my words so I usually used to avoid them at all.

Then it became really difficult to keep this up because I had to make a point wherever necessary because it kept eating me from the inside. I couldn’t keep this up, because in saying yes to someone on the face, I was saying no a 100 times inside.

And it took me a while, a long while to realize this. Why was it necessary to please someone ? If I was not doing this for myself, who was I doing it for ? Yes you do certain stuff for people who matter and care for. But then you change your attitude and accept the situation with grace. But if saying yes to certain things causes you mental torture from the inside, it not worth it.

I realized that being a people pleaser entitled to me not loosing them. And this thought held me from direct confrontations for so many years. It took me many hard lessons to face my fears, and finally come to the conclusion that pleasing people has no value if I am not happy myself with the decisions. It took many heartbreaks to realize that doing things for people who matter isn’t the problem, but doing the thing half-halfheartedly is.

This also liberated me in the professional front. I needn’t need to keep doing something which didn’t serve my purpose or growth. I needn’t follow someone else’s path if that doesn’t augment my purpose. And so many thing I withheld myself from doing just because of ‘What will people say’.
Of feeling always guilty of trying out new things just because other people thought it to be frivolous.
Or doing a thing because it would mean getting fake appreciation from others, but inside I would be indifferent and untrue to myself.
There came a dark time where I was only a
conditionally good person. When I complied to someone’s expectations or demands.
The minute you said no, immediately you and your whole worth was established as nada.
And this was such a shitty thing to bank upon.

This only contributed to standing in front of a barrier at the end of the day. And at one point, I started doubting my abilities as an individual. I knew I had capacity, but people’s opinion kept on piercing the mind like a dagger. It was hard to reason with myself, to think objectively after an emotional aftermath.

Slowly I made peace with myself, with my flaws and decided to work around them. I decided to not let people get in my head because of their preconceived notions about what I should do or shouldn’t because at the end of the day I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I don’t follow my intuition and suppress it.

At the end of the day, I would be answerable to myself more than anyone else. I would have to look out for myself more than anyone else. Its just not worth doing anything if your heart and soul isn’t in it.

Published by shrutimirasdar

I see the world with only half the eyes, the other half, I keep to myself.

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